Advice for reader on Contraception - April 2025

May 5 / Alexander John
What happens when one spouse embraces the Church’s teaching on contraception, but the other does not? In this heartfelt letter, a husband shares his journey of conversion and struggle to live faithfully within his marriage, while navigating the pain of spiritual and physical disunity. This response offers pastoral guidance, encouragement, and clarity on Church teaching, while emphasizing love, communication, and the power of prayer. A must-read for anyone facing moral and relational challenges within a mixed-faith marriage.

When Your Spouse Rejects the Church’s Teaching on Contraception

Question:
Here’s a brief summary of my situation: I’ve been in a long-term relationship, including nearly two decades of marriage. My spouse and I, who come from different religious backgrounds, have historically relied on contraception throughout our relationship. That changed in 2020 when medical reasons led my spouse to discontinue hormonal birth control. A few years ago, I personally chose to stop using contraception as part of a deeper commitment to live according to the moral teachings of the Catholic Church. However, I didn’t have a conversation with my spouse about this change beforehand. Understandably, this has led to feelings of betrayal and contributed to a decrease in our physical intimacy.

We have two children who are in their early teens. Part of what prompted my decision was the realization that I couldn't expect to pass on the Church’s moral teachings—especially regarding the sanctity of life—if I wasn’t striving to live them out myself.

My question is this: How can we move forward as a couple when one of us is seeking to live more fully in line with Catholic teaching and the other does not share those beliefs or see anything wrong with our past choices? I’ve read many resources on Catholic Intimacy, but I still have questions about what is morally permissible. We once considered NFP but found the method too stressful and difficult to maintain. I continue to pray earnestly for unity in our relationship and for my spouse to be open to Christ’s truth. I’d be grateful for any advice you can offer, especially from the perspective of a fellow husband and believer.

Thank you for your time and care.
Response:

Blessed Pasch!

First and foremost, I want to commend you for accepting the grace of Christ into your life throughout this painful trial of moral and religious discernment. I will be keeping you in my prayers as you maneuver through this difficult situation, and I would urge you to strengthen and intensify your prayer life all the more!

I think it’s always important to remind her that when you reject contraception, you are not rejecting her. You are actually wanting to accept her more fully, more completely as a person, not to the exclusion of any dimension of her being or identity– including the natural integrity of her fertility. It is very important that you fully communicate your unconditional love for her so that she does not confuse your rejection of contraception with a reluctance to be intimate with her. She should know despite these moral concerns on your part, you truly do want her, and that you want more than anything to find a way to embrace intimacy with her while remaining faithful to the Gospel and that when these two dimensions of conjugal life go together, more long-lasting and enduring marital happiness can be found. This is also a wonderful opportunity for you to double your efforts in providing emotional intimacy and support for her so that the current lack of physical intimacy does not wound other crucial dimensions of your relationship, which must remain stable. If this is not done, then if sexual intimacy is rekindled, it will not have a suitable environment within which its flame can be kept ablaze. It might also be a good opportunity to express genuine regret and sorrow for not having been as upfront about your moral discernment up until this time, so as to rebuild trust. Above all, sincere and open communication about this is critical, so long as she is open to talking with you about these things. I can also not recommend mutual prayer enough, assuming she is at least a professed Christian or believer in God. The more you cultivate this together, the more God can break through and provide extra graces in your marriage to bring healing from within.

As to the moral issue at hand, I would be very interested to hear in more detail what you were struggling with as far as what the Church permits and what the Church calls us to turn away from. I think you will find the Church very pastoral when it comes to what can and can’t be done in cases where a spouse wishes to pursue marital intimacy within the bounds of God’s law while the other spouse is uncooperative in this endeavor. That said, if your spouse insists on using contraception, which is always and everywhere immoral from its very nature, and you are fully aware of her intention to do so, cooperating with such contraceptive sexual relations would be to formally cooperate with the sin of your spouse, and this cannot be done in good conscience. As St. Thomas Aquinas reminds us, in all cases, “good is to be done, and evil avoided.” While this commitment on your part can bring about much suffering, if it is undergone out of love for Christ, His commandments, and out of love for your wife, you can be assured that God will bring healing graces to you and to your marriage!

I will be keeping you in my prayers.

Sincerely yours in Christ,

Alexander John